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The Mumbai Local Trains are the first things that come up in your mind when you think of Mumbai apart from the Red BEST buses , yellow and black Premier Padmini Taxis and the Bhelpuri and Panipuri at chowpatty!!! The local trains are the backbone of the city that never sleeps, which carry 6.6 million mumbaikars from home to work and back home in the evening. The trains are referred to as ‘Locals’ by Mumbaikars and constitute almost half of the total population that travels on Indian Railway each day!!! These trains are a cause of marvel for people who have never travelled in them but for those who travel in them everyday, its “survival of the fittest“!!!
There are 3 lines for the Locals – Western , Central and Harbour which have multiple stations but the most famous among the public has to be the Virar Fast Local which in itself is a planet after it starts from Churchgate. During peak hours ( Morning and Evening ) it carries almost 6000 people when the maximum capacity is just 1700 people. People just keep jumping in at all stations with just a couple of them getting out and this results in a jam-pack situation which is almost normal for daily travellers!!! With no space to even move a muscle , people start climbing on the roof tops of the train so they can atleast reach home without being squeezed to death!!!
These are some of the do’s and dont’s while travelling in a Local to avoid getting killed and reaching home in one piece!!!
- Always search for a big fat guy who will ram through the crowd to get in first and position yourself behind him if you wanna get in without being kicked in the balls and elbowed in the eye!!!
- Scientists say wearing heels is not good for your back but while traveling in a Local, wear a high-heeled footwear else you will end up smelling the armpit of the guy beside you and in a jam-packed train you will have smelly armpits all around you and for females, wearing high heels is an advantage as it can be used as a weapon for kicking while getting in the train!!!
- A Local also helps in cutting costs by taking care of the ironing of clothes…you just have to wear them all messed up while getting in , but when you get out it will be crisp ironed, better than what your dhobi does!!! And you will also learn how to glide without moving your legs….when a Local pulls into a station, you won’t have to even move your legs…you getting in the train will be taken care of by the crowd behind you….you will effortlessly glide into the train!!!
- A Local is also beneficial in providing services by “blessed” Godmen like Bengali Baba, Thagddam Sheikh, Iswar Bhopali and many more. You just have to scan the train for stickers and pamphlets for such divine intervention to get instant relief from problems in marriage , love life , job , sex life , impotency ( which they claim can be cured in one “private” visit by the wife , and after the child is born the father is bloody confused at the striking resemblance of the kid to the Godman!!! ) , and some other wierd sounding stuffs like muttthkarni , vashikaran , mooolsutra , chinnmasta etc. within 24 hours. So if you want complete happiness in life just go to these babas you see in the Local with your most crazzzy problems and thy will be blessed!!! ( Warning - If your kid ends up looking like Baba Bengali or Thagddam Sheikh , I’m not to be held responsible!!! ) . Also the Locals are filled with ads for syrups and tablets for “extra” sexual pleasure and increasing the size and dimensions of your “tools” . Fools who do buy such stuff end up eating sugar pills or sugar syrup instead of anything medicinal with no change in the dimensions of their “tools”…Looooooosers!!!
- Never ever climb up onto the roof of the Local unless ,ofcourse you want to end up looking like a burnt tandoori chicken because of the 25000 watt overhead wire…but then getting squashed in the compartment in a Virar Local with no space to even move your eyelid, is like the worst nightmare ever. Many consider the 1st option better than getting into the hell-hole and so you have people either getting stuck to the overhead wire or getting blown off the roof onto the tracks!!! During peak hours even ticket checkers don’t have the guts to get into a Local to check if people have tickets but you will find vendors selling hairclips, cellphone covers and pirated novels in the same train!!!
- If you are a daily traveller by the Local during peak hours, then you don’t need to visit a gym or workout to burn calories as the Local itself acts as a steam and sauna bath with almost no space for air flow and people sweating all over you ( and some even wipe their sweaty foreheads and arms on the guy standing in front….how ewwwww is that !!!! ) . People don’t get a place to even stand but there will be groups singing bhajans with instruments in place that will put a music studio to shame!!! People say “Arre train khaaali hai” when they can get a spot to plant their feet without being kicked or elbowed or shouted at with the choicest of expletives!!!
- You never will need to learn yoga or different breathing exercises for strong lungs…travelling in a Local is in itself an intense exercise which will put all your muscles to test and due to the crowd, getting even a whiff of fresh air is next to impossible ( unless you get a window seat or are hanging on the doors or waiting to get fried on the roof!!!! ) ,so people who are regular travellers in the Locals have strong lungs and are physically and mentally more fit to endure pain and torture!!!
- The government has come up with a mindblasssting plan of deploying PUSHERS for pushing the crowd into the Local!!! These Pushers will be waiting on the platform when a Local comes along during the peak hours and when people are trying to get in…they’ll help by pushing people into the train!!! How cool is that ehhh??!!!??? This technique is in place in China for a couple of years now…lets hope it works with the Indian Public too!!! But is the public ready to be herded around like a herd of cows???? What if the Pushers push from only one side and the people standing at the other side get pushed off the train because the Locals in Mumbai don’t have automatic doors!!! That will be a funny sight…people being pushed in from one side and people falling down from the other!!!
These do’s and dont’s will help you survive the nightmare known as The Local!!! The Local has its own share of good and bad things for the public but I’m sure, with better administration and planning, the Locals will only get better for the zillions of Mumbaikars!!!
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